Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Thinking out loud

I figured that it's about time I wrote something here.

Something that explains my long blogging silences.

A few of you have written to me and asked me how I am because I'm quiet and you know that my brain is a little crazy and you worry for me and that is lovely.

I'm fine.  

That's a lie.  I'm not fine but I'm not sat here in a corner, rocking back and forth either.  If you follow me on Twitter you'll know that I'm here and I'm well.

I'm not fine with the beads.  I'm not.

I've been feeling very un-beady for a good few weeks now.  It's a mixture of things; Chris is working very very long hours at work and I am seeing him less and less.  I'm lonely.  I spend all day alone (except for Twitter which is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now) and I've been spending most of my evenings and weekends alone.  I have no friends round here and all my family are miles and miles away.

So I've been going into the shed every day and I've been making orders because I can't make my normal beads because my brain is not in a beady place but I have to make beads because if I don't make beads I don't make money but the orders put my brain in less of a beady place and I sit there hot, grumpy, shouting at the radio and making beads nonetheless.  

I'm rambling here.  Stay with me.

So yeah, beads.  Beads.  Beads By Laura.  That's me, isn't it?  Well, I won't fib - for the past few weeks I've been seriously considering chucking in the bead towel and getting a 'normal' job.  And I'm NOT writing this so you all go "Oh, Laura, you can't do that!  We love your beads.  Don't think such anti-bead thoughts!" and I know you like my beads.  I do too.  But right now we're not the best of friends.

I think what's happened is I've got stuck.  I'm in a bead rut and I can't get out of it.  And yes, I've done the make-a-different-kind-of-bead, use-glass-you-never-normally-use, try-a-new-technique approach but it just won't work.  I think I need some kind of Bead Guidance Counselling or something.

I am out of touch with the bead world.  Hell, I was hardly in touch with it but I've stopped reading anything beady, website or blog-wise.  I follow hardly any beady types on Twitter.  I told a stranger the other day that I make jewellery because I just couldn't be arsed with explaining the beadmakery thing.

And that's why I've not had much to say here.  Here on the Beads By Laura blog.  About beads.  I feel guilty and I feel bad because you're all so wonderfully supportive.  I feel like an utter bitch writing such a miserable post, I really do, but this is just the way it is at the moment.

So what now?  Well, I finish up my pending bead orders and I see if I can muster up any genuine love again for melting glass, I guess.  I'm thinking I'll see how I'm feeling by the end of the year and then I'll make a decision about my bead future.

I know that sounds dramatic but like I said, these words are my current thoughts all spilling into my ever-sickening-ever-baddening-ever-playing-up laptop.  I repeat, it is not for attention or compliment-fishing (someone anonymous always leaves me a charming comment about that whenever I write anything like this so yeah, my arse is covered) and it is just me being honest with you.  Because you deserve that.

In the meantime, if I have got beads for sale, I will tell you here.  If I don't say anything it's because I've got nothing to say.  That's all.

Now, please know that I'm okay; I'm not crying here or popping Prozac like Tic Tacs.  I'm alright.

Just explaining my blog silence, that's all.

Thanks for reading.

24 Comments

R said...

Ah Ms, it's a total pain to be stuck like this. We've all been through it but sure, you've heard all the usual advice. Sometimes all the good advice in the world can't get you unstuck.. you have to wait for something to shift.

It would be a major shame to see you give up the beadmaking (not only saying that for selfish reasons, honest). Your work is really appealing; you've a beautiful way with colour and an incredible variety in what you do.

Give it time, and I hope the unsticking happens soon. I went through it recently and it sucks dungbeetle shoes, so it does.

hello gorgeous said...

hey gorgeous! that's just fine... no pressure on yourself trying to "find your mojo"....book a trip, find a hobby, take a sabbatical...do whatever it is that's gonna make you feel happy {not necessarily beady}...just happy...you will get inspiration from the strangest of places in the most oddest of times, and....we will still be hear...waiting and watching ;o)

Hell, I've been waiting for mine for the last two years!

hugs

hello gorgeous xxxx

Patty said...

we're here, we're patient, and we understand, laura. (((♥))) whatever you decide to do, it will be fabulous and perfect, just like YOU.

Deepa said...

Having a break from making really helps me, because if I sit there trying to make stuff when I don't want to it just doesn't work. And I feel bad.
I feel like a bad jeweller when I don't make things but sometimes for weeks I don't make anything new, just making up orders.

Maybe having a part time job will give you some human contact without having to give up your beads, also the offer of coffee is still available, I'm local! :D

Fiona said...

I'm sure some of us could get to Cambridge to visit you if you fancy company. I'm looking for an excuse to head down that way before Christmas.

Tina said...

Oh I SO know where you're coming from!! For me, there's nothing quite like someone saying 'I want a x-shaped bead in y and z colours' to completely kill any spark of creativity that might have been there before.
I think my problem is as simple as the fact that I don't like being told what to do ;)
Hope that you manage to find a way through this; perhaps just make some beads for you (and don't sell them to anyone, at any cost)and see what happens?

Anonymous said...

We all totally understand and we support you! Maybe when you are done with your pending orders, you should take a true break from beadmaking? Set aside a full week (or two if you can) where there is absolutely NO pressure on yourself -- don't even think about worrying about the beads! Read books, sketch in a book, watch movies, go for a hike -- whatever is inspiring to you, give yourself permission to do! The more you put stress on yourself, the more un-fun it will begin to feel, and maybe you just need to break that cycle by spending sometime just relaxing.

theotheralig said...

I'm not far away at all, and am well now! As Fiona says, we could come and see you.

Blue Eyed Night Owl said...

Hey:) I was wondering where you've been too.

Sometimes you just don't feel, whatever it is that usually is "your thing". Happens to everyone, it usually is temporary, but it could be that you will start something new instead. Either way I hope you'll spend your time in a way that makes you happy!

Seraphimgirl said...

Hi Lovely,

I so get where you are. I think sometimes we need to take a break like you've done, and reassess. There's no pressure from any of us and we all support you no matter what you do (or don't do).

I stopped singing for a while a few years ago - didn't have much work and what work I did have made me feeling like I was just being whorish. (ie. it didn't make me joyful). After a break, I did get back into it again, (and I'm glad I did) but I do other creative things as well to make sure I can stay a happy camper. . ;-)

Big hugs,
Marie

Lori Greenberg said...

Been there done that won't even tell you my story so not to depress you. it SUCKS!

All I have to say is, give yourself permission. Permission to do whatever you need to do and don't be hard on yourself.

::sigh::

Anonymous said...

Laura, why not try some bead teaching days? I am sure you would get a great response, and it would give you the human contact which seems to be your main problem. Everyone so adores your beads - I am sure they would be wildly enthusiastic at being taught by you.

SilverNikNats said...

Laura, we may have been tempted here by your sparkly beautiful beads but we stay and read because of your lovely, open and honest words.
Your blog has made me laugh and has made me cry (hey your post about the spider in the bathroom made me laugh so much I cried).
We understand, don't worry about us, no pressure,
We want you to do what ever makes you happy. xxx

Blue Kiln Beads said...

This might be a totally naff comment but I'm gonna make it anyway. Is there a knitting shop near you? Somewhere you could go to a Knit and Natter type thing to meet other folk who like yarn etc... I only ask because I remember seeing your lovely knitted creations and this might eb a creative outlet and break for you and also give you an opportunity to meet some people?

THere I said it. And for what its worth, I love to drool over your beads.

ros said...

Ti voglio bene! Un forte abbraccio. Ros

Hayley Prew said...

Hi, I'm a bit rubbish at commenting on people's blogs, I tend to live between two worlds, my world and the real world. I find myself often seeking refuge in my creative bubble, but recently, I seem to have lost all inspiration and creativity.

So I empathize with what you wrote. I won't offer platitudes and age-old cliches. Sometimes when the storm hits it takes a while to shift.

In my experience the more you try to shift it, the longer it hangs around. Hopefully the fog will lift soon and you will return to your craft with fresh eyes and fully re-stored creative passion. Blessings!!!

jelveh Designs said...

Hey Laura girl...know exactly how you feel, sadly I have no advise...folks before me bring up some good ideas...I like the one about making beads to keep, that's kind of where I have been on and off this past year...blogging about once a month if that...after the baby thing fell through it was/is twice as bad...Martin kind of just told me one day it's ok to not produce all the time, he kind of pushed me to give myself permission to just BE...don't know if it will work, we shall see...
Fell better, be happy, wish I could come for a visit, or you could come to California, we could go purple convers shopping like before & some tea...yum
In any case hang tough, I am told this too shall pass...
Much love, let me know if there is anything I can do to help...
Jelveh
Peace

Anonymous said...

Sending love, the gentle kind. Do what makes you most happy, go see the people who make you happy.
Toodle pip

Dragonfly Lampworks said...

Oh Laura, I hope things get better. Are you near a college that is looking to offer a lampwork course you could teach? Just a thought. I'm sure you would be a fabulous instructor.
All the best,
Heather

Lori Bergmann said...

Dear Laura~
I'm so sorry to hear about your current situation and just wanted to pipe in and add my cyber "hugs" and encouragement… I've moved several times and know that it's never easy to pick up and make new friends while you're missing the ones and family you left behind (especially when the hubby is away, and able to be sociable and make new friends at work!). A new move can be an awesome adventure, but also kinda scarey and lonely… I found it helped me when I did a little research on local groups I might be interested in, and also put out a call for local "kindred spirits" on online message boards I already frequented. Maybe look into joining a local choir or musical if you like singing, or reading club, etc. and have fun while you're taking your bead making break? ;-D I think you're great and love your sense of humor and willingness to share your thoughts and talents with us too! ((((( HUGS )))))

karen lorenz said...

as the Dalai lama says this time like all times will pass, it may be replaced with a non beady time but that really is OK if that is the way it is meant to be. Concentrate on looking after yourself, a marvellous therapist told me to treat yourself like you would your best friend in the same situation, that means free licence for chocolate, flowers or whatever floats your boat. Be still, hang in there and you will be ok.

wishing you peace love and light

Karen

Essentia Designs said...

Hi Laura,

I am an admirer from Canada and have followed your blog and your journey through the world of lampworking for awhile now. I have been amazed by the beauty and perfection of your creations. I just wanted to put in my two cents worth here.

I have had a lot of jobs in the past and have started businesses of my own. Currently I am the owner of a bead & gem shop... coming up on 6 years. Before that I had my own greenhouse business. I created one of a kind hanging baskets and patio planters. People told me that they believed that this is what I "was meant to do"' but I always knew that it was just temporary for me. I loved it, but knew I would need to move on to another passion in time.

I believe that life is a journey that has many twists and turns and that we need to listen to our heart and follow our passion. If you are no longer inspired and excited about beadmaking, then I think you may need to really search your heart to discover what is next for you. I also believe that there is no such thing as wasted time because I can look back at all that I've done in my past and see how the lessons I've learned are helping me now.

You have to get back to that place where you are excited to get out of bed every morning and passionate about what you do. You will get there for sure. You just have to be truthful with yourself... not an easy thing I know, but trust your heart.

Sending you lots of good thoughts.
Sandy

Anonymous said...

Hi Laura, I echo what other people have written: allow yourself to take a break and do what makes you feel good. This also means going away somewhere, staying with family or friends, etc.
Warmest wishes from Toika

Purple Princess Designs said...

HI Laura, Purple Princess here from Twitter. As well as making jewellery I am also a writer. I so know where you are coming from, and I do hope that by now you have regained your mojo.

I have found myself in a similar position with the writing whereby I just cannot motivate myself. the ideas will not come and I just feel frustrated and bored with it all. This happens to creative people from time to time and I have to say I find it occasionally with the jewellery as well.

somehow making pieces for other people on a 'demand' basis can be creatively destroying as well.

The others on here are right, give youself a break, chill out if you can and your creativity will spark again. Best of luck Laura, we're all behind you. Pauline