Sound the Klaxon of Ennui

What noise would the Klaxon of Ennui make? I reckon it'd be a big, long, loud sigh or maybe just the sound of someone going "Urgh" in a really mopey way.

I've wanged on so many times before about how my apparent 'maladaptive perfectionism' affects my beadmaking but it's reached crazy levels to the point where more often than not I think I'm actually sort of afraid to make anything. I think my brain is saying "What's the point in making beads when you won't be happy with any of them?" and I simply don't know how to overcome that feeling.

When I'm having a particularly naff time with beadmaking I look at photos of beads I made years ago in the hope that it'll spur me on but I usually just end up despondent at how past me made so many different beads in such quantities and I get quite doldrumsy again.

* S I G H *

Anyhow...

I dragged myself into the shed on Monday and decided to make lentil beads. Years ago I had a lentil press made for me that does 8, 10 and 12mm lentils but I asked for it to be made to take a 1.6mm mandrel and that is the exact size they made the mandrel groove which is no good when you've got a dipped 1.6mm mandrel in it because the bead release cracks when you press the bead, so the press has been sat there literally gathering dust for about nine years.

I've been a fan of tiny lentil beads ever since I bought a strand of eight of them about two decades ago. They were transparent ink blue and white ones made by Corina Tettinger and I turned them into a bracelet.

Bracelet made with Corina's beads

I was, and still am, wowed by how Corina decorated such small (about 11mm) lentils. These beads are not easy to get right, even though they're pressed. Too much glass and you'll get a lip around the edges and too little and you'll get a misshapen bead with sharp hole edges. When you're adding decoration that is melted flush with the bead's surface you have to take into account the extra glass that this will add, so all in all it's a beady tightrope walk. 

I decided that Monday was the day to dust off my tiny lentil press and have another go. After recently working with and getting used to 1mm mandrels I decided to see if they'd cooperate with it. They do but blimey, remember all that stuff I just said about them being not easy to get right? Yeah. A whole day in the shed should not result in only a dozen correct beads but that was what I ended up with. The photo below shows my water jug at the end of the day. That's a lot of lentil failures.

Interesting fact: 'lentil' rhymes with 'mental'

And I can't fully blame my bead perfectionism for all of these rejects because some of the beads were just bad in that they had sharp holes or too much glass. Sharp bead holes are my number one pet bead peeve; if I see them for sale anywhere I get really annoyed. (My number two pet bead peeve is people describing random spots as polka dots but that's where we really are entering the realms of my pedantry and nobody wants to go to there.) What also didn't help is that I chose to use Effetre Light Red 428 for the lentils. Don't get me wrong, this is one of my favourite reds but it goes a bit streaky and you can end up with darker and lighter reds within one bead. This isn't a huge problem but sometimes it can look a bit jarring, especially as such a small and simple-looking bead, and because of this I rejected some of the beads after I'd cleaned them.

Pleasingly tiny lentils

Anyway, I turned the twelve 10mm red lentils into a bracelet. What I like about this shape is how comfy they are to wear. The beads sit nicely and not too high so you get a sleeker lampwork bracelet look than you do with round beads.

Can you see the light and dark red variation?

The smaller bead hole definitely makes for better-behaved beads when you're making jewellery too as the beads don't wobble about as much on your thread or wire.

I've got a few strands of smaller-holed beads for sale in my shop.

Blue 'Spots & Dots'

Black and yellow 'Spots & Dots'

'Light Sapphire' Spotties

These were all made on 1mm mandrels so with bead release and cleaning the holes end up at about 1.2mm.

I've still got more leaf beads to photograph but my eyes had enough of doing that yesterday. I got new glasses on Saturday so I'm trying to get used to a new prescription plus the fact that they're varifocals and it's not going well. To say I hate them is an understatement. I'm keeping going with them as they say it can take a couple of weeks for your eyes to get used to varifocals but I'm constantly seeing things as out of focus and I have to keep bobbing my head about like a pigeon to see properly. Things like washing up and chopping vegetables have suddenly become challenging tasks as my depth perception is out of whack. It's very tempting to go back to my old glasses but the one thing the varifocals do well is that they allow me to knit and see the telly at the same time. Before, I'd have to choose the glasses that would enable me to see the television clearly but that I'd have to peer under or over in order to see my knitting clearly, or to opt for my readers so that I could see my stitches but have to put up with the television picture as a blur. The varifocals do a great job of letting me do both so that's a win and it's why I'm persevering with them in the hope my eyes will soon adjust properly to everything else.

Talking of knitting, here are those finished Dear Björn socks I mentioned last time.

The pattern is by Nataliya Sinelshchikova and the yarn is Malabrigo Ultimate Sock in shade 214 Magenta. The pattern is in the 52 Weeks of Socks book and it's also available on Ravelry. The socks are a tricky knit but the results were worth the effing, jeffing and many instances of ripping back and re-knitting.

I've got another pair of socks finished but I'll save them for next time as I think I've droned on for quite long enough today.

Have a good Wednesday and I'll see you soon!

Corina, you're a legend

A couple of weeks ago my propane started running low. There comes a point where the pressure in the bottle isn't quite right and it can make stringerwork and certain colours of dots go all feathery and weird, but there's still gas left so I keep on going, making spacers and really simple spotty beads until it's all used up. As such, I have a pile of spacers and odd-bod beads to clean and photograph.

Before the gas started to run out I was having a bit of a (another) moment with what I call my 'bead dysmorphia' and this time I was finding it utterly impossible to make the beads I wanted to make. I got so angry and upset with myself. I can’t write or talk about this at length without sounding like a self-obsessed tit (and trust me when I say I cannot bear the self-obsessed tittery of others on the internet and I really don't want to be one of those people) so instead I'll just say that I ended up reading several articles about maladaptive perfectionism and I'm trying to take some of the advice given in those pieces.

One of the first proactive things I did was head straight to Corina Tettinger's website. Corina has always been a constant in my beadmaking world and I still think that her Passing The Flame book is the best lampworking book out there. I've always loved Corina's beads but her writing about beads is equally as marvellous. She doesn't know it but she often gives me the kick up the arse I need to get on and try something, and in this case I think I was visiting her site in order to find some sort of "pull yourself together" kind of advice. I ended up downloading Corina's 250 Designs with Dots and Lines tutorial. Now, I don't want to sound like a boastful knobhead, but there's not a lot I don't already know about adding dots and lines to beads and I know everything in this tutorial (I am sounding like a boastful knobhead, aren't I?) but I love reading Corina's knowledge. It's just the way she says things; you feel like she's sat there next to you. I've never met Corina but yonks and eons ago we spoke on the phone a couple of times (and she very kindly gifted me the torch that I still work on) so I always read her writing in her voice in my head, if that makes sense. The tutorial is also FULL of photos of Corinabeads which are a delight to just look at.

I took the tutorial on my tablet down to the shed yesterday, just so I could prop it up and glance at a few words or a photo here and there (I'd already read it about twenty times and had committed most of it to memory) and I made black and white beads. Little ones. With dots and lines. And I made myself not ditch any I wasn't totally happy with; all of them went into the kiln.

I just want to point out that the beads are not direct copies of Corina's. Her writing was like a sort of hand-holding exercise and it reminded me that I'm supposed to enjoy making beads. And I did. The time flew by and this morning I have a little bunch of small black and white beads that I'm very happy with.

There are a few where I can see what I class as flaws, or some dots that I could have placed better, but I'm ignoring them. Deep down I know they are decent beads and that other people do not look at them or judge them as critically and harshly as I do. I need to remember this. When I go back through ancient photos of my beads I can see worse niggly flaws but the me of then let them go so the me of now can definitely let these lesser niggles go, right? *zen face*

So yeah, this is a kind of "Thank you, Corina!" post, I guess. The tutorial did give me the kick up the arse I was in dire need of, and I'm just about to go and make more black and white beads.

O, woe is me

I haven't had much to report because I've been working my way through Ditsybead orders.

I don't know if I'm gradually getting worse at beadmaking or if I'm struggling in some other way (my absolute pillock of a fussy brain) but I've found the past couple of weeks' lampworking to be extremely difficult and stressful. I've closed orders for the flower beads now and I don't think it'd be wise for me to do the taking bead orders thing again. I have a couple of orders outstanding which I will get done, but not today. Today is a day off after yesterday when I attempted one single flower bead eighteen times before calling it a day. There's no point in me sitting there wasting glass, electricity and gas so I decided to take a breather.

If I'm to carry on lampworking, from this point forward it's going to have to be one hundred percent me making what I feel like making.

This is totally about me, not people who want to buy my work.

For years I've prattled on about how my pickiness and perfectionism can be an utter pain and in the past I've always embraced it but it's honestly got to the point where it's debilitating. And not just with beads. At the foodbank warehouse the other day I wrote a box label that said 'BEANS 2026' four times because I wasn't happy with how it looked. That's mental. It's a label in a warehouse and I was irked because it wasn't centred and the '6' was squished etc. This past Christmas I bought sixty cards as I knew I'd end up rejecting loads for similar reasons and sure enough, I sent twenty-four and had just five left over. That's not right.

Anyway, enough of my self-obsessed whining. Pull yourself together, Laura!

In crochet news

The pattern for my 'Joan' shawl is finally totally done. Hurrah!

Originally I toyed with the idea of making this a free pattern but a nagging little voice kept asking "You get annoyed when glass publications want your tutorials for free and you turn them down, so why is this any different?" and in the end I listened. When I sat and thought about the hours that went into making the shawl pattern, the drawing of the charts (it was like the beans label and Christmas cards multiplied by three), the liasing with testers, and the pattern edits, let alone me making the shawl five times in various yarns, I just couldn't give it away for nothing.

So yes, the PDF pattern is available on Etsy for £2.50 plus any VAT applicable in your part of the world.

About the pattern

Named after my late grandma, Joan is a lacy triangular crochet shawl that is worked from the top down. The seven row pattern repeat is straightforward but not too tedious and the pattern would be good for an adventurous beginner or for anyone wanting a relaxing project that uses non-fancy stitches.

The finished and blocked white-to-black gradient shawl pictured measures approximately 170cm along its top edge (the wingspan) and about 83cm from the centre of that edge down to its point.

• Written pattern with step-by-step photographs
• Charts
• Printer friendly written version
• You will receive versions in both UK and US crochet terms

Materials

Approximately 1000m of fingering weight or 4ply yarn. For the white-to-black gradient shawl pictured I used a 1000m cotton and acrylic mix 4ply 'Stratford' yarn cake from Crochet UK. The plain blue one took five skeins of Drops Flora in shade 10. I've also made this shawl with YarnArt Flowers and Hobbii Twister yarn cakes. I've crocheted it with DK yarn too so pretty much anything goes. You'll also need your chosen hook and a needle for sewing in your ends, plus blocking mats and pins

The pattern has been fully tested.

Available on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1741126096/joan-crochet-shawl-pdf-pattern-digital

A glimpse into my crazy

Yesterday was a bit of a meh shed day. I just couldn't seem to get going. I had a colour combination all sorted and I knew what I wanted to make but my brain and hands were engaged in some kind of conflict, as described in this tweet:

Applying a trail of fine stringer in a spiral around a bead is a pretty straightforward technique and it's one that I've done thousands of times, but yesterday it just wasn't working. Well, it was, but as far as my brain was concerned, it wasn't working correctly.

I've written umpteen times about how picky I am with my work. Every time I do, people leave lovely comments and assure me that my work is fine and that the beads are handmade and they're not supposed to be 'perfect' and all that. I put the word 'perfect' in inverted commas then because I've personally never described my work as such. I'm a perfectionist, yes, but in the sense that I try to make a bead as best as I can possibly make it; I'm not actually striving for absolute perfection.

Yesterday, I tried and tried to make a 'correct' spiral bead and after the five failed attempts which ended up in the water jug – and that's not counting the attempts that didn't make it past the base bead or encasing stage, then through to the stringer application one – I eventually made the spiral bead I was after. I did put three not-quite-right attempts in the kiln, though, as I knew I wanted to write about this ridiculousness in order to give you a glimpse into my crazy.

Here is the 'correct' bead:

And here are the three beads that I rejected but didn't kill:

At first glance, these three probably look alright. Chris did his usual "WHAT? They're absolutely fine. Get them sold, missus!" about them. But no, they're not leaving the house. You might be able to see why I rejected them, but if not, I'll explain. From left to right...

The first bead was rejected because the spiral is not 'tight' enough; the gaps between the wraps are too wide apart for my liking.

The second bead is okay stringer-wise but the base bead has an irksome glitch in it where the grey glass did a striation thing.

The third bead was rejected as it just doesn't look balanced to my eye. I also wasn't happy with where I melted the stringer off; the tail end on the left hand side isn't close enough to the bead hole.

So what am I trying to illustrate with this post? Am I writing it to get an "Oh, Laura, you're such a perfectionist" reaction? Or am I in some way being superior, trying to say that I'm so pernickety – far more pernickety – than other beadmakers? No, absolutely not. I'm trying to show you that this is why I say no so much. It's why I say no to commissions and no to remakes. If I can spend so very long trying to make what is a very basic-looking bead, which I will sell for about three quid (you do the laughable maths there; minimum wage doesn't come anywhere near it) how can I possibly commit to commissions and remakes?

Am I complaining? No. Because this is just how my brain works. It's what makes my beads my beads. Is there a medical term for my prohibitive bead pickiness? Probably, yes. Is it tied up with all the other annoying things my brain puts me through like my constant anxiety and my awkwardness when doing general life things? Almost definitely. I accepted these annoying aspects of my me-ness  long ago; some days I struggle with them, but other days I embrace them. Just as these complicated brain quirks make my beads my beads, they also make me me, and I kind of like that.

Today I'm intending to finish the set that this spiral bead is part of. Will it happen? I'll keep you posted...

My brain is a pillock

A whole week of me not blogging has occurred, mainly because I've had next-to-no beads to show you.

This is partly due to the flat bead battery in my head and partly because we went to London on Tuesday night to see Weezer (my most favourite band in the whole world ever ever) so I spent most of Wednesday looking at gig photos and videos on the internet whilst not getting a whole lot of work done because I was in a floaty Weezer bubble of loveliness.

But yes, flat bead battery. My perfectionism is a terrible issue lately. The pressure I put myself under to get my beads just so is ridiculous and I know it's ridiculous but I can't help it. I get annoyed with myself over it and people try and help by telling me that a bead which I think isn't right is perfectly alright but it doesn't help because I know that it's not my idea of right. It's very difficult to explain all this to non-pernickety people. The way I get through these episodes—and I will get through it, I always do—is to tell myself that it's just the way my brain works. My brain can't help wanting to make my beads as neat/tight/precise/tidy as I can possibly make them. It's just the way it is. And that's science. I've read a lot about it. The brain of a perfectionist physically works differently to that of a non-perfectionist. Trust me, if I could quit the bead fussiness I'd be over the moon as it would mean that I could make way more beads than I do. I'm not a perfectionist in all areas of my life - just the creative ones. And I've always been this way, right back to primary school.

The only thing I can do, because those helpful books and articles about 'letting go of your perfectionism' are absolutely pointless, is to embrace it. Yes, my stringer placement is good. Yes, my dots are even. Yes, my beads are all the same size. That is what makes my beads my beads. And my beads are like that because my brain made me make them that way.

Oh, enough of this wallowing about my pillock of a brain. It's boring me so it must be boring you. I'm just trying to explain why I haven't had many beads to show you this past week or so.

Whilst working through my current period of This Bead Needs To Be Killed With Water Now, I've amassed a collection of half-sets and one-offs that are totally cromulent beads and they need homes. I'm going to be selling them in my new Facebook Group at 19:30 (UK time) tonight.

There will be spacers, pairs, mini-strands and a couple of strands of Lonelies for sale. You can join my Facebook Group here but you will need to be a Facebook user to do so. I understand that not everyone uses or wants to use Facebook and I apologise for that but when you sell on the internet and market your work through social media you need to stay on top of things, beat tricksy algorithms and experiment with different selling platforms. My 'normal' bead sets are, and will always be, available on my website. In fact, this set of 'Cloudburst' beads are on there now.

I've left these spotty beads shiny but I've added the option of tumble-etching, at no extra cost.

And now I must away to the shed. Happy Monday!