Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Held hostage by a spider

I'm all in a kerfuffle.

This morning I went down to the shed, as I do every beadmaking morning, in my dressing gown and slippers to switch the kiln on and get stuff ready for the glass-melting day ahead.

Thing is, this morning I went into the shed and did my usual spider check (any other arachnophobics probably know what I mean by that) and didn't see anything. I switched the heater and kiln on and grabbed my water jug of dead beads and went to walk back out when I saw it on the ledge of the door frame next to the door mat. An I'm-curled-up-pretending-to-be-dead massive, fat-legged, creepy-bodied spider. I stood there frozen, in dressing gown, water jug in hand. I prepared myself and then kicked the doormat against the door frame. This was to determine if the spider was alive or if it was indeed acting dead. Yep. It was acting. The bugger got up and scuttled off out of the shed but just sat there as if to say 'C'mon then. Step over me you big human!'. It knew I was terrified. I was doing my best to stay calm but I have a genuine, genuine fear of them and I started doing the cold sweat thing, all trembling and speaking in tongues - I have no idea what I was saying. I was like Regan from The Exorcist!

Now, you're probably thinking 'Laura, it's outside the shed now so just walk around it and back up the garden.' But I literally couldn't move. I couldn't squish it either. I can't kill anything. Flies, ants, moths and wasps all have a right to be here and I'd just rather let them out of the window or door than swat or squash them. So, after I calmed myself down and finished wringing my hands and breathing like a woman from an ante-natal class I got the water jug and splashed a bit of water next to the spider to try and shoo it out of my path. It started to work and I thought 'Phew - once it's on the lawn I can leg it up the garden'. But the eight-legged git soon worked out what I was doing and I could almost hear it chuckling and saying 'Ha ha ha! You'll never defeat me you pathetic human being!' in some sort of booming movie-baddie voice. Then it started to walk towards me. I'd run out of water. It was like a bit in a western where the cowboy runs out of ammo or loses his gun and he has no choice but to improvise with stuff around him. So I grabbed a broom and I thought I'd kind of brush it away onto the lawn. I made contact with the spider and pushed the broom but at the same time I got all scared and let go of it and it flew across the lawn and landed on the other side of the garden. But at least the spider was on the other side of the garden too. Phew.

But no.

The evil creature was still there. How did it manage that? So, I'd used my water and my broom and I couldn't see anything else long, pokey or useful. By now the spider was laughing loudly like Blofeld from a Bond movie and it was coming straight for me. I backed away looking frantically for something I could use to shove at it but it was too late. It came into the shed and crawled under my shelving unit. I legged it back up the garden in my dressing gown and slippers in the pouring rain.

Now I have a problem.

How do I go back into the shed knowing it's in there? Dad's not here to come and get the spider out. How can I sit there making beads knowing that it could emerge at any minute? I won't be able to concentrate because I'll be doing a spider check every five seconds.

Dang, I hate spiders. I know non-arachnophobics are probably thinking I'm exaggerating or being a huge wuss but spiders totally terrify me. It's a
proper fear I have, not just a girly dislike.

I'm off for a cup of tea and a calm-down!


Catherine said...

I totally understand Laura. I COMPLETELY LOATH spiders (I sound like Jim Carey in The Grinch when he shouts at Hooville from the top of his mountain). Sorry, I digress. I really like that film. Sorry, what was I saying. Oh yes. However, unlike you, I am very happy to kill them. I know they don't deserve it, but I find it's the only way otherwise I just worry that it'll come back. I certainly have no compunction at all when it comes to dispatching a wasp to wasp heaven.

Catherine x

Laura said...

Oooh, Catherine. You cold-blooded bug killer, you! ;o)

Well, I've braved it and am making beads but I'm all on edge. I can't see the spider but I know it's there somewhere. I can't relax properly.

Nice to know you understand!

And The Grinch is a great movie!

Laura x

Caroline B said...

I understand - it's not spiders for me but geckos. We used to live in Greece and they came in the house - aaagh! I used to go and get a neighbour to help or just sleep in another room. How about you have a large heavy jar to put over it or can't you get that close?

Shari Mumby said...

Laura, I share your pain. I was putting my make up on the other day when I looked in the mirror and a huge f-off one was crawling up my leg...and my sister had a ma-husive one crawling on her shoulder at 1am the other week too. She has those spider sensor things that click and conkers too...you must have conkers! x

Laura said...

Caroline - I can't see the thing now. It's disappeared. The one thing worse than a spider in a room is knowing one's there but not being able to actually see it. My friend has just moved back from Equatorial Guinea and she HATED the lizards and geckos that lived with them.

Hey Shari! Conkers! Yes!! I shall go and gather some from the tree over the road. Dang good thinking. And what is a spider sensor? Do tell.

Agh - your stories have made me go all funny, Shari. The reason I have a thing about spiders is due to an incident I had a few years back which involved a huge spider, a dressing gown and a naked me. God, it makes me shudder thinking about it.

Lynne SENIOR said...

Hi Laura! I've been reliably informed that spiders don't like conkers. It's the right time of year to gather a few and decorate your studio with them - ie plonk them around - I'm about to do the same. This isn't a wind up! Lynne x

Laura said...

Thank you, Lynne!

Yes I have heard about the conker thing - some oil in them that they don't like. I'll have to go and gather some before all the local kids nick them all!

Laura x

Angie said...

LOL Laura the story made me laugh...sorry! My daughter & son are both terrified of them, and my son if he sees one in his room has to sleep downstairs. And im like you i couldnt kill anything, even though i hate them, my worst is months YUKKKKK

Laura said...

Yup - I've done the sleeping downstairs thing, Angie!

Moths are pretty freaky.

Laura x